Depression at Christmas

So I really didn’t know what to write about today but I really have to get something off my chest… I’m not the biggest Christmas fan. For me Christmas is just an unnecessary holiday that capitalism has just ruined, I love giving people presents and spending time with people but I do that anyway, it shouldn’t feel forced to buy someone a present just because it is Christmas. My friends and family won’t be receiving much (if anything) because I do not have the money at all and that actually makes me really sad because they all deserve the world and everything else you can think of! 

I was sat in rehearsals for The Addams Family on Sunday and everyone was talking about advent calendars and how they all had one and I realised that I don’t (Until Sam lovingly brought one for me this year!!). Everyone also then started talking about how they love the day with their families, again I realised that it won’t be the case for me this year… All my friends are busy, my father is staying abroad, so it will be me and mum, which is always fine but it isn’t the same! 

I had a think of what made Christmas for me and it was my wonderful Nan, she made this time of year magical and I thought I’d never stop loving Christmas but unfortunately in October 2016 she passed away, my whole life was never going to be the same… let alone Christmas! I have never commended or looked up to a woman more than I do to my nan, even now she is still very much my hero and everything I want to be in life! She was kind, loving, would do anything for anyone even if it was out of her way, she was intelligent an amazing singer and just an all around good person, definitely the person I’d go to about anything, the good, the bad and the relationship issues. I never hid anything from nan, she knew me for me, knew every single detail about me and could recite things about me that I even could forget sometimes- it made me feel cared about. 

I don’t expect people to remember things about me at all, it’s just something my nan used to do to show me she listened and it was the sweetest thing I ever knew as a child. I spent a lot of time with my nan growing up and we would do all sorts of stupid things all day everyday from doing the tango across the living room to making all different things out of my art books (she always had a stash of things we could use for arts and crafts). We used to go to what was my favourite restaurant in town and have lunch and then go around D&A toys where we could look for new things for us to do before doing her weekly shop around Sainsbury’s and I was always asked if I wanted any sweets and honestly my face lit up every time. 

I’d love to do a separate post on just how awesome my nan is and just tell the world how much of an amazing human being she was! But for now it is a more negative post. 

Missing people like my nan and not having the people I love around me really puts me down and I feel like there should be ore respect to those who struggle at Christmas (as well as the whole year) due to mental health issues. As many of you reading know that along with Rapid Cycling Bipolar I  have a lot of anxiety and just generally struggle a lot- I am on kind of a “fake it til you make it” hope that just isn’t working lately and people are seeing the more introverted person who struggles rather than the woman who seems to have everything together. If you ever think I have my life together I can tell you now I am faking the whole thing: I don’t do a drama degree for nothing 😉 

On another note, my father usually comes over, but we decided he wouldn’t this year and instead I can go visit him next year for 3 weeks (which is better than the 4 days of him being in England) but it just isn’t the same. Every year I take my dad Christmas shopping so he cam get all his little bits, it is always stressful because it is usually Christmas Eve but he is the quickest shopper known to this world so I am thankful! 

Thankfully I have some friends around me that are always happy to FaceTime when we are both free and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them! I love you all and I know I don’t need to mention your names because you definitely know who you are! You are all honestly my world and my life’s meaning!! 

Honestly I suggest that anyone struggling with missing family members or depression in general please talk to someone, there are so many contacts and you can get the help you deserve. x 

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